Im-Media-te Re-Media-L

Dear Nic and Christian,

Though your situations have recently changed–nice work with the upcoming television show, Christian–both of your careers are suffering from the same problem. I’m not overly concerned because you both probably have plenty of money. But maybe you’re looking for some satisfaction? Perhaps you want us to like you again. Well, here’s some good news: we want to, and we want to in a desperate way.

Christian, you might be okay soon. You’ve picked what looks like a good role on television, and that can do a lot for you. Sometimes, you pick up a little-seen, independent, edgie role. Good. Those of us who are hunting for you on IMDB to see what DVD’s to get can check that out. And you’re keeping up your acting chops. These are all good things in your recent resume.

Nic, you’re often hit or miss, I’m afraid. Fortunately, you generally get about 1/3 of our roles right, and that’s something considering that plenty of others don’t, plus some of your upcoming choices look good. I can be really specific if you want me to, but let’s step back and look at the forest. According to IMDB, you’re filming two movies right now (though one is voicing, so it’s not so crazy). But you’ve just finished up two others, FOUR others are in pre-production, and two more have been announced. This is going to sound a bit insulting, and I’m sorry that this is what it’s going to take: you have become Ryan Seacrest. That’s right, I said it–at least in terms of stretching your ass so thin that you don’t seem to even be evaluating roles. I mean, seriously.

PROBABLY GOOD: Knowing; Bad Lieutenant; The Ghost (but ONLY because you can’t pass up Polanski–it’s still probably not a great role for you) PROBABLY BAD: Scared Straight (will you be saying another great line like “put the bunny down”?); Kick Ass (stay away from comic books, my friend); Amarillo Slim–you’re even producing this. My goodness. Going back to Vegas will not help, Nic. I really don’t think it will unless you do a heck of a good job keeping us away from the tables and in Slim’s life. This seems unlikely.

But here’s the deal boys: WE DON’T WANT YOU TO BE ACTION HEROES. We don’t. We only like you, Nic, as an action hero in National Treasure movies because of everything that ISN’T the action. And since the sequel had more action than the first, this doesn’t bode well for the third. Still, you’ve got a following, so that’s okay, but we DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU IN ACTION HERO MOVIES. You can have a little action in your dramas. If you insist on the thrillers, there can be some action. But very little. 

Christian, ditto for you my friend. We DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU IN ACTION MOVIES. Be our intellectual hero. Be our drama hero. Be our thinking woman’s hero. Do not try to get the damsel off the train tracks unless you’re thinking your way through to find her. And even then, I think you should send a cop or something. And do I need to bring up Hollow Man II? You are Christian Slater. And you did Hollow Man II. That’s just wrong. That was your Con Air with mullet and bad dialogue (who wrote that shit? Great cast–GREAT CAST–but there was nothing of quality there, Nic. You didn’t have a chance.) You both need to stop lowering yourself to action hero.

There are so many other bad examples of stuff you two have done (one of which is in the theaters now), but here is the thing: DO NOT DO ACTION ROLES. DON’T. We want you two to be leading men in meaty roles. And if you’re not being offered good roles, then chill the fluck out. Just enjoy your personal lives, find a play, do an independent movie if you must, but don’t accept these cheesy acting roles that any himbo off the street can do. Seriously. We are waiting for you two in the good roles. Stop fooling us by accepting this crap.

Work less, deliver more.

Thank you. I miss you both.

Concerned Movie-not-goer